It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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