She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
