Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
