I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
