You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
