so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
