i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize