and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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