Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
