finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
