She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
