becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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