Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
