Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize