so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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