Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
