the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
