tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize