what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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