so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
