Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
