It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
