I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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