I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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