A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
