So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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