Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
