He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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