i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
