Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
