Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Acid is not a monday night drug
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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