my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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