haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
