I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my liver is dry heaving
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