She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
