Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I checked into jail on foursquare
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize