She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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