Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
