i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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