Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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