I hate your face
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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