His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
