dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
