I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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