Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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