you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
