god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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