I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
