Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Randomize
