i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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