i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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