well I can't set my house on fire every night
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
