Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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