he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize