Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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