he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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