Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
