For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
