Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize