he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Im part way to drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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