stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
