I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
