i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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